It was a busy but good summer. The boys loved day camp and Brooke went to sleep-away camp for the first time. It was also nice for me to spend time with just the boys for part of the summer. The 3 kids together can still overwhelm me. I kept really busy. I worked a lot, which made the weekdays easier. Weekends were harder because I would see all the families outside together, going on outings or vacations. I have also made a bunch of single friends that I go out with socially. The Heidi Pity Party has come to an end. It is time to move on to year 2. I am ready to be happy.
The Unveiling and Much Needed Closure
Planning the Unveiling
Planning and choosing the headstone a couple of months ago made me very anxious. Anxiety has been an ongoing issue with me this whole year. I am finally getting it under control. As an only parent I had no choice but to take my boys with me to choose the headstone. I had no one to watch them that day. They will be happy they helped choose the stone for Matthew. They definitely mitigated the sadness by acting silly and goofy at the stone place. I actually laughed. Once the unveiling was planned I was able to relax and breathe.
The unveiling was lovely, small and simple with our close friends and family. It truly represented Matthew. A bunch of Matthew’s childhood friends came from Montreal. Initially it was hard for me to see them soon after Matthew died. Seeing them made me miss him too much. But this time it had the reverse effect. It made me feel closer to Matthew. I always worried I would lose contact with them after he passed but instead they have become my family and support me in ways I never thought possible. My best friend flew in from Montreal that morning too. I told her that it was not necessary, but she knew I needed her. Only Brooke and Zachary came to the unveiling. Brooke was great but Zachary was sad. Joshua stayed home. After the ceremony, once everyone left the cemetery my younger brother and I stayed by the grave site. We held each other and cried (even laughed a little). It was the closure I needed. It felt good to let it out.
After the Unveiling
I went back and forth about having people over for lunch after the unveiling. I thought it would feel too much like a Shiva. In the end I decided to have people over and I am happy I did. Matthew loved United Bakers and Bagel House lunches. He loved a good bagel and tuna – as his friends say “Motown style”. Everyone enjoyed playing with the kids and catching up. Matt would have loved this. I also now realize that the big anniversary days are becoming easier than the ones no one knows about. Even the anticipation of Joshua’s birthday or the upcoming Jewish holidays is not having the same impact as last year.
I have accepted that it is time to move on and Matthew would want me to do so. I feel like I did right by Matthew and my kids this year. Everything that needed to get done got done and now I can focus on myself. I feel so much more settled and my social life is starting to take off. Now comes a much needed trip to Chicago in a week and my 40th Birthday in November.
I have met so many inspirational people this year. I have started to chill out and find happiness again. I still receive beautiful messages from many of you, thank you. I know I will continue to have lots of new and different challenges this year but I also know I am ready to face them with confidence!