I breathe a sigh of relief these days that winter is over and spring is here, kind of. The winter was tough. The impact of ONLY (as I call it instead of single these days) parenthood hit me hard in January and February with deep loneliness setting in. A lot of friends ask me lately how I am doing. Am I moving on? I am honest and explain that from when Matthew passed away until the New Year I was on an adrenaline rush. Busy getting everything in order, dealing with my grief, school for the kids and getting back to work. I was actually doing quite well.
And then the fierce loneliness set in.
It is a deep rooted feeling in the pit of my stomach. I try and keep myself as busy as I can to avoid it. I almost feel like a little kid, if I tire myself out during the day I can fall asleep quickly before it comes.
I long for adult companionship and to feel special to someone. I miss the little stuff – the check-ins, text messages, dinner and a movie and simply being part of a couple. Sometimes I feel like Plan B for my friends when their husbands are busy or out of town and this makes that emptiness even worse. They get to go home to someone and I don’t. I know it’s not their fault, but it still hurts.
I have good days and bad days.
Am I moving on?
I am starting to move on and I am proud of myself. I enjoy going out to trendy places on the weekends. It feels nice and boosts my depleting self-esteem. Getting dressed up, putting on some makeup and of course getting tipsy after a few too many mojitos helps. I have made some single male “friends”. It is nice to flirt with them without the pressure of it going anywhere.
Should I start dating?
My friends keep telling me to go out and dip my feet into the dating pool. It used to bug me that they were suggesting I have a fling, which is totally not my style. But the more I think about it, maybe they just want me to get used to the dating scene and to figure out what type of man interests me. I will consider it. I also need to wrap my head around what I am looking for in a partner. I was so young when I started dating Matthew; we kind of morphed into the same person. It is much different when you are older.
I know I want to be with someone who is kind, who can laugh at himself and doesn’t take himself too seriously. I can be quite silly and goofy at times so he needs to appreciate that I can put my foot in my mouth and it is all part of my charm. He needs a zest for life and to appreciate the important things and not get caught up in the material things. I have a feeling I will probably veer and bond with someone who has experienced loss or “gone through something”. He doesn’t need to be a widower or have been touched by cancer, but he needs to understand that life is not perfect all the time.
I want to be with someone who I can see a possible future with but it doesn’t have to be too serious right away. A fun distraction with potential. I want to hang out with him after my kids go to bed and recap my day. I can’t wait to be taken care of and spoiled a little; it has been so long.
I do want to be desired and to have an exciting first date. I want to close down the restaurant because we didn’t realize how late it got and couldn’t stop talking. I look forward to the phone call the next day and an exciting second date where he plans everything. I can’t hide the fact that I look forward to being desired and that tingly feeling of a first kiss.
He needs to be comfortable and okay with my 3 kids. I don’t want to worry that he doesn’t want to be around them. I can’t and will not hide them. I have always believed the old philosophy, and I am no dating or relationship expert, that when you click with someone, it just works. Kids or no kids. And nothing else matters. I love the idea of a blended family but I am not putting limitations on the type of man I go out with: divorced, single, widower…all okay.
I remind myself that I am still young (not yet 40) and full of energy. I am a good person who loves meeting new people. I want to travel as much as I can and to always continue to see the glass as half full. I am a cute and petite brunette with a big heart and smile. Plus, I am super fit now that I run half-marathons.
I will be patient for the right person and try and have as much fun as I can in the meantime. Life is too short not to enjoy it. Who knows, maybe one of you might turn out to be my soulmate?